7 Dating Lessons from ‘Sex and the City’ Characters
How 7 Themes from ‘Sex and the City’ are reflected in New York Dating:
This week I was asked to be on a radio show about the upcoming film, ‘Sex and the City 2’ (coming out on May 27th) and how themes from this show and movie are reflected in New York dating. I have seen most of the television episodes and the movie, so I took a moment today to consider what dating truths these characters might reveal. Here are the 5 dating and relationship themes from ‘Sex in the City’ that I have resonated with:
1. People Date Unconsciously:
In my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ I discuss how singles often pick the same type of partners over and over again. They may look different on the outside but often their psychology is similar. This unconscious blueprint causes us to pick mates who may not objectively be the best for us, and yet this is who we find ourselves most attracted to. My book goes into this in much more depth, helping you to identify your own unconscious dating patterns but for the purposes of this blog, let me give a few examples from our ‘Sex and the City’ characters:
CARRIE: Carrie tends to pick interesting men who have problems committing. Mr. Big (early on) was the prime examples but there were many others along the way. When she is confronted with a ready and committed man Aidan, she chooses to cheat and then bolt. From the outside, many fans wonder why she would not choose trusty sweet Aidan over moody mercurial Mr. Big. Perhaps Carrie was also afraid of marriage and commitment and psychologically she was more ready for adventure and independence. Her penchant for Mr. Big was reflected in this but it ended up causing her a lot of dating misery along the way.
2. When you learn to Look Beyond ‘Your Type’ in Dating, You Can Love More:
Often we are stuck on a certain description when it comes to finding a mate. Women tend to be concerned with height, career, financial status etc. Ironically, we are often less concerned and clear with the inside qualities and character of our life mate and how to discern them. It is okay to have outside preferences but it is important to be open to different types of people and to experience those relationships a bit before we judge. Here are a few examples of this from our ‘Sex and the City’ characters:
MIRANDA: Miranda is a high powered Harvard lawyer who initially seems to be looking for a powerfully ambitious and successful man. She goes through a few of these but she does not seem to fully trust them. It is only when she chooses Steve (a man way beyond her type) that she experiences feeling cherished and she realizes that she loves and trusts him. Steve is a bartender who is simple, mellow and laid back and is turns out that he balances out Miranda’s drive, her verbal acuity and her intensity.
CHARLOTTE: Charlotte has always dreamed of marrying a rich doctor from a great family who is gorgeous and from her religion. She is a planner and she feels like g-d has answered her prayers when she meets Trey, her first husband. With Trey, everything looks perfect from the outside. He has the status, breeding, looks and accomplishments of which everyone would approve. The problem was that although Trey was ‘a nice guy’ Charlotte realizes that psychologically Trey is overly attached to his mother, he has sexual issues and he is not able to voice his feelings and to make his own choices. As a result, Charlotte is miserably unhappy and chooses to divorce him. It is only when Charlotte meets Harry (her divorce lawyer) that her love paradigm is flipped on its ear. She feels afraid to embrace a man who has a different religion, who is balding and overweight. She fears that she will be judged but she is able to push past this and listen to her heart. She finds that not only is she attracted to harry but on an emotional level he provides her with all that she wants and needs and he is a much better fit than Trey.
3. Forgiveness is Important in Relationships:
We are all human and if we are going to have a lifelong relationship then we need to make some room for mistakes. I always say that everyone is going to have challenging qualities it is just which ones you choose. There is always a continuum of which mistakes you can forgive and grow from and which ones are deal breakers. Here are some examples from ‘Sex and the City’:
CARRIE: In the film, Carrie is finally set to marry Mr. Big and he freaks out and leaves her at the altar. Now many say that Carrie should never have forgiven him for this. But in Carrie’s mind (after she calmed down for awhile) she knew that Mr. Big loved her and this was one of the issues that she knew that he came with. She had not checked in with him about the wedding and his fears and after they reunited, they were married in a smaller ceremony that worked for them both.
MIRANDA: In the film Miranda learns that Steve has been unfaithful to her and she is livid and hurt. After going to couples therapy, she weighs the pros and cons of their relationship and she decides to forgive him and to move forward. Although many women would not agree with her choice, ‘Sex and the City’ seems to make the case that for Miranda it was worth it.
4. It’s Important to Choose a Mate for Authentic Inside Reasons, not Just Outside Ones:
In relationships it is easy to get taken in by the romance, courting, drama and the newness. Certain mates or parts of the package might be impressive to our friends and society but in the end, it is just the two of you who are really living the truth of your relationship, and that is what matters. Here are some examples of this:
CHARLOTTE: We already discussed the dichotomy of Trey versus Harry and how Charlotte learns to listen to her heart instead of her head.
CARRIE: Carrie opts for a big dramatic society wedding but later she realizes that all she really wanted was to spend her life with Mr. Big. They end up having a small ceremony and eating in a diner with their best friends.
SAMANTHA: Samantha seems like she found the greatest catch in her boyfriend Smith. He is rich, sweet, loyal, gorgeous and honest. Despite the fact that no one would understand her choice, Samantha follows her heart or nature and chooses to be on her own again, despite outside appearances.
MIRANDA: Miranda gave up her idea of a rich ambitious man in order to love Steve, a bar tender who made a great husband and father for her.
5. It’s Important for You to Be Ready for Commitment for You To Attract a Committed Mate:
It is my opinion that in the beginning of ‘Sex and the City’ most of the characters (other than Charlotte) were looking for love but they were a bit commitment phobic. So although they were taking the actions for finding love, their psychology put up barriers to men, marriage and to losing their independence. It also caused them to choose men who would not commit or to run from ones who would commit. This is why my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ helps singles to get ready for the right mate psychologically so that they can then manifest what they want externally. Here are some examples of how our characters were commitment phobic initially and how they created that in their dating journey:
MIRANDA: Miranda often picked unavailable men and she would run from the ones who were ready to commit to her, like Skippy. It was only over time that Miranda stopped pushing Steve away and she finally admitted that she wanted to be with him.
CARRIE: Carrie also chose a lot of unavailable men. Although she and Mr. Big finally marry at the end of the film, it is questionable whether she or Mr. Big’s ambivalence towards commitment will completely disappear.
SAMANTHA: Samantha is consciously ambivalent about commitment and this is why at the end she ends things with smith. She prefers to be on her own and she remains happy with just having short term romantic adventures. This is her preference.
6. You need to ‘get out there’ and have persistence when it comes to finding love:
No matter how many times they have their hearts broken these women go out of their comfort zone and continue to go out and look for new prospects. In my book I say that it is unrealistic to stay home in your pajamas and hope that your Prince Charming will come and ring your bell. These characters are representative of the work it takes to meet many dating prospects. They are always going out and they have tried a lot of different things to meet their mate. Here are some examples:
MIRANDA: In one episode Miranda tries speed dating to meet someone.
CHARLOTTE: Charlotte attends a workshop to help her attract the mate of her dreams.
CARRIE: Carrie constantly attends events, goes to bars and parties dressed to the hilt in the hopes of meeting someone.
7. It helps to have a great support network to brave the rejection of dating & relationships:
One of the things that viewers love most about ‘Sex and the City’ is the incredible friendship these women have. Knowing that no matter what happens or where they go, that they have each other helps them withstand much heart ache and rejection. In dating and in life, it is important to have that support team who stands by you and helps you through things no matter what. Here are some examples of this:
MIRANDA: When her mom dies, all the girls come to the funeral to support her and they are there for her during her break with Steve.
CHARLOTTE: Her friends help her through her first divorce and her depression over not getting pregnant with Harry.
CARRIE: Her friends help her through many breakups, financial problems and they even go on her honeymoon with her when she is left at the altar.
SAMANTHA: Her friends help her through cancer and through periods of depression.
If you have enjoyed the fun and glamour of ‘Sex and the City’ perhaps today you have now also considered the psychological lessons that we can learn from these characters. I don’t know about you but I am excited to see the sequel. Maybe now we will learn something about marriage since most of our characters have now moved on from dating.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
Related Links:http://www.sexandthecitymovie.com/ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_and_the_City