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If one partner gives unconditional love in a relationship, will the other one come around?

My husband and I rented a DVD from Netflix this weekend called, ‘Fireproof.’ It was about a marriage that was failing where both people felt frustrated, neglected and alone. The husband was a fire chief and a hero in every aspect of his life but he felt like a villain at home with his wife. Similarly, his wife received love and support from friends and at work but failed to feel important to her husband at home. The movie shows two good-looking, smart, competent, kind people who end up bringing out the worst in each other at home. Both partners forget to see the positives in their partner that they first fell in love with, even though every else in the community can experience them that way. Most of their communication after seven years of marriage included bickering, making the other person wrong and distancing. They slept in separate bedrooms so their sex life became non-existent and they did not have children. Although she does not start an affair, she begins to get kindness, interest and attention from a doctor at the hospital where she works. We see how appreciated she feels by him. The couple is miserable and they begin to feel that they should divorce and many people would agree with this assessment.

They were about to get divorced when the husband’s father asked him to do a ‘Love Dare’ which included his committing to a 40 day challenge to save his marriage. The father gave him a ‘Love Dare’ journal that prescribed certain actions for each of the forty days. Some examples included doing a random act of kindness for his wife, really listening to her, trying to learn about her all over again and fixing her a candlelit dinner. The husband agreed to this, and in the process, he had to keep acting lovingly to his wife, no matter how horribly she reacted to him. A few times he felt so hurt that he almost gave up completely and let his ego get in the way of his commitment but he was able to remain on course.

The movie shows moments where he makes his wife a candlelit dinner and tells her that he wants to spend time with her and she says something like, ‘I don’t want to have dinner with you and I don’t love you.’ This could have been ample justification for him to walk away but he chose to continue being loving to her. At one point he is in the hospital, burnt from a fire where he saved a little girl and his wife just walks away from him. Nevertheless, he continues to love her and to keep committed to their marriage. Somewhere towards the end, his wife recognizes that there has been a real change in her husband and although he wants to save their marriage, he has undergone a deeper shift. He is loving her because that is his commitment, no matter what she decides. This is unconditional love. It is hard for anyone to be around unconditional love for a length of time and not to respond to it. In the end, his wife decides to give him and their marriage another chance and they renew their vows.

There were definitely things about this film that I did not like. The acting was not great, the writing was pretty schmaltzy and there was a lot of religiousness (mention of Jesus Christ) as a central theme that I could have done without. I think it could be off-putting to people of a different religion or people who are more agnostic.

What I did like was this seemed to be a film that wanted to help people, make them think and propose a way to take responsibility in your marriage, no matter what your partner is doing. The concept of committing to love unconditionally in a relationship (regardless of how committed your partner is) was intriguing and I wondered if this idea would work, and how often it is successful. When I went to the movie’s website there were some interesting resources offered and I’ve posted those links for you below. They actually created a book called ‘Love Dares’ just like the book that the husband’s father gave him to save his marriage in the movie. And they also have a blog where couples can do ‘Love Dares’ and write about their 40 day journey and how it has transformed their relationship. I think this is a good idea and may help some people.

I am tempted to get the book on amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1 ) just to see the actions that are suggested over a 40 day period. Obviously loving kindness is good in any relationship but I do wonder if there are cases where one partner committing to show unconditional love would work to transform a marriage and times that it would not. The example of the couple in the movie showed partners who had years of hurt, taking each other for granted, lack of passion and distancing. They were both healthy functioning individuals so what needed to shift in their dynamic was communication, appreciation, forgiveness and making the other a priority. For these reasons, when one partner infused the relationship with these qualities, the other one chose to respond. But what happens if one partner is an addict, abuser, philanderer, is violent or a liar? The spouse can still commit to loving them unconditionally but a character issue might not change no matter how much love there is. I wonder what the minister who wrote this book would say about that. So, if couples try this approach they should keep in mind that it may not improve every situation and every relationship and situation is unique.

So, if you see this film, check out the website or try reading the book, ‘Love Dares’ please share your experience with us.

Sometimes when your relationship is really rocky, both people can come together and work to make it better. Other times one partner checks out and the only choice is to check out too or to take full responsibility and continue to love them and keep your commitment. This film provides a glimpse at this approach that may be worth some consideration.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.