Unconscious Mating

I looked up the term, ‘success’ in Wikipedia today and it said it was, ‘a level of social status, an objective goal.’ On Dictionary.com success was defined as, ‘the attainment of wealth, position, honors and the like.’ Success often seems oriented around achievement and status but to me success means living a life that you love, from the inside out.
Common depictions of success in film and media often include wealth, fame and power. So often in attempt to achieve the ‘American dream,’ we strive to measure our success by our income, houses, cars, clothes and all kinds of outside things. If you achieve all this and it makes you happy then by my definition here, you are successful. I am probably broaching this topic today because many people achieve all these things and then they end up exhausted, irritable and unhappy and they are not enjoying their lives, although it may look terrific from the outside.
There are probably examples of this in every profession. I have known lawyers who work till 10:30 at night plus weekends. This does not occur just in the beginning, it can get worst the more you climb the ladder so there can be no end in sight. I’ve known bankers who work very long hours including weekends where this was so much a part of that culture that their work even had beds there! We all know that doctors have grueling residencies and hours but sometimes even once they become fledgling physicians these career conditions can continue. I am no stranger to hard work and I also realize that in any profession you have to pay your dues and work hard to succeed. I think outside conditions like exorbitant school loans that need to be paid back and living costs in Manhattan exacerbate the pressure to succeed and compete. With the current economy people also feel if they set boundaries in a work environment where everyone is doing the same, they will be out of a job. So there may not be easy solutions but I think it is important to examine the problem and the dichotomy between inner and outer success.
One thing that might prove inspirational is to think about people in your profession who have a great life balance and to find out how they did it. For example, I once saw an OBGYN who worked three days a week from 9-noon and did not accept insurance. Of course she may have circumstances that allowed her to do this, but she found a way in which to make this happen. I have also known of lawyers who created their own practices so they could work a certain of hours per week and control their schedules and others who took a pay cut to take a lawyer role at a 9-5Pm job Monday through Friday. I am not suggesting that everyone could or should do this, but I think it is important to know that there are choices and possibilities.
In order to make changes towards a different life balance we first need to know our financial bottom line or what we need to survive, pay our bills, support the family etc. Sometimes school loans can be adjusted in accordance with income and we can lower our cost by moving somewhere cheaper etc. or making some sacrifices in eating out less etc. Once that bottom line figure is known it is then possible to play with the overall picture a bit and to explore your own values as they relate to your success. Once you know that your basic needs are covered, you can ask yourself: Is it more important for you to purchase outside things and amass a savings or do you covet other things more like alone time, relaxation, travel, time with friends and family? It may be worthwhile to sit down and journal about what you most need and desire in order to love your life from the inside out.
Once you have explored this and you begin to hear your inner voice you can start to see how to honor it. I would not recommend jumping to switch jobs right away. Perhaps you can begin to meet your needs by taking baby steps. For example, if you are making $150,000 but have no time for anything but work, maybe you can hire someone one day a week to do your grocery shopping and laundry and prepare your meals? If you have a lot of personal busy work to delegate, maybe you can hire a virtual assistant a few hours a week. If you have been neglecting yourself, maybe you can begin taking a 45 minute lunch break to get out of the office and you can commit to giving one weekend day to yourself solely for fun and relaxation. Obviously each situation is different so there is no universal prescription but engaging in this process is important. Otherwise you can spend your whole life running after a carrot that somewhere along the way you stopped wanting. It is like that maxim that says, ‘Be careful what you wish for because you might get it!’

To begin this process of enjoying your life by aligning it with your inside values, I will suggest a few resources. You can read my article on using The Life Wheel and use this as an ongoing tool to address the other life areas that you have lost sight of and neglected. I also suggest journaling and reading the book ‘Type Z Guide to Success‘ by Marc Allen that I wrote about here: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m1d7-5-5-5–5-20-Ways-to-Accomplish-Your-Dreams-in-2010-Part-2 . Sometimes it also helps to get a life coach if you feel you need support in taking risks and seeing the larger picture.
I also want to mention that conversely, many people live extraordinarily quiet and successful lives but they may not always feel that way. Perhaps a woman always wanted marriage and a family and she found a husband that she loves and is now raising two kids whom she loves. According to my definition this is success (and hopefully she feels this way within) but at times society might cause her to question if she is successful due to her seeming lack of status and outside goals and the fact that no one may know all the amazing things she does all day. But should this make her any less successful if she knows? Hopefully this provides an example of how we are the arbiters and saboteurs of our own success and happiness because it is really not about how our lives look to anyone else, it is about how we feel about it. So after you have a life you love, it is up to you to appreciate it!
Just like the best education teaches us to think for ourselves (not just to mimic what everyone else thinks and does), real success is individual because it reflects the values and lifestyle that makes each person happiest.
I hope this causes you to think about where you are in this process of creating a life that you love from the inside out. Please share your thoughts and baby steps on this matter so we can all benefit from your experience and questions. Thanks!
My Best in Love,
Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.