5 Ways to Address Your Initial Dating Anxiety:
When first dating someone it is easy to go into panic mode whilst you are anticipating that next call. This can happen in different ways. Sometimes you feel that he should call within 24 hours of your first date to ask you out again or you have some other script in your head about how a guy who likes you should proceed. But, trouble is (despite the rules of ‘He’s Just Not that Into You) your date is his own person and he will call according to his own desires and his own script in the beginning. So, it is up to you to deal with the ‘not knowing’ stage of your relationship, to accept the anticipation and unknown. I know that it’s not easy to be calm in these circumstances so today I am going to give you a few tricks/tools to help you cope with the initial dating anxiety that you will contend with before you become an ‘official item.’
1- STAY PRESENT: When you develop a worry early on in your relationship I want you to ask yourself whether you are looking at ‘the facts’ or if you are creating a story. For example, a guy that you’ve been dating for a few months generally calls you every other day and this week he does not call you for four days. What does this mean? First your anxiety kicks in and then you create a story around it. You think to yourself, ‘Maybe he’s lost interest, met someone else, maybe he will dump me soon or just disappear?’ Okay, the facts are that his behavior has changed a bit but we do not know why. It is equally possible that he had a bad work week or is sick or distracted by a family issue. So, catch yourself when you move to create a catastrophic story and try to stick to the fact that he has not called. Try to be patient and let time reveal if there might be a good reason for not calling as frequently that has little to do with you or your relationship.
2- WORK WITH YOUR SELF-ESTEEM: When we over focus on our date and how he feels about us we distract ourselves from our true power source: how we feel about ourselves. So when you start to dissect your last few dates and all his facial expressions and reactions, take a moment to return to yourself. Instead of trying to figure out if he likes you, make a mental list of what you love about yourself and remember that many guys will love you for who you are.
3- LOOK AT YOUR DATES OVERALL TRACK RECORD: This is a good one to use if you have been dating someone for at least a month. Let’s say for example that a guy has treated you consistently well for a few months and then one date he is in a mood and seems weird. Often when this happens you may jump to the worst conclusion about him pulling away. It is possible that he is having a bad day or something else is distracting him. So take a step back when your guy seems off and consider his overall track record before you over react. Does he get an 85 or 90% in great behavior? If so, then maybe you are willing to let this one slide and believe his feelings towards you have been demonstrated all those other times.
4- KEEP BUSY AND CENTERED IN YOUR OWN LIFE: There is a saying that ‘what you focus on expands’ so you can choose to focus on waiting by the phone for his call or you can continue living your life. Even if things are going great with a new guy, it is important to stay focused and centered in your own life so that you don’t obsess and you do keep your priorities going. This helps you to stay busy, structured and supported in the known while the relationship unfolds.
5- DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET: Often one of the reasons that a woman will over focus on a new date is because she builds him up in her mind without really knowing him. She may decide that she wants to be in a relationship with him early on, before he has even had a chance to demonstrate who he is over time. This phenomenon of ‘putting all her eggs in one basket’ makes it hard for that woman to not be reactive in the early stages of dating. This is why I recommend volume dating (or dating a few people for a few months without sleeping with them). You can see my article on that but this helps you to ‘see the forest for the trees’ to keep busy and to not put too much pressure on any one relationship early on.
Hopefully these 5 tips can help through the beginnings of a new relationship but if you are still having a lot of anxiety a year or two after you are already an item, there may be something else going on. It could be a self-esteem issue, fear of betrayal, unresolved baggage about men or a sign of something going on in your current relationship. This would be another article entirely but I’m just pointing out that today’s tips pertain to the initial unfolding of that courtship stage when two people decide whether or not to move things forward.
Hope this helps!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.