Unconscious Mating

I just read a Daily News article suggesting that online daters have ‘cognitive overload’ from having too many choices and therefore they are making worse choices. Before we come to any overall conclusions (about online dating yeah or nay) let’s weigh both sides of the matter. Here are a few considerations:
                          5 plusses of online dating are:

-There is a large pool of singles
-you can search on your own schedule, in your pajamas—convenience
-you can learn certain facts about your dates before deciding to meet
-You can often generate multiple dates with less effort
-You can write and learn about them for awhile before meeting

                 5 challenges of online dating are:

-it can be like shopping and it gets overwhelming
-it may feel cold and unromantic
-people may not be who they say they are
-it can feel like a lot of work to search and manage responses
-if the above study is right, a large sample of singles can lead to poor choices.

               Considerations & Tips concerning online dating:

So, generally having options is a good thing. It helps you see ‘the forest from the trees,’ it helps you practice dating, learn what you like and don’t like in the opposite sex and it keeps you busy so you do not jump into a relationship with someone you just met too quickly (without really knowing that person over time). So, if we imagine that this study is correct and that the down side of having too many options is that it leads to you making worst choices, what should you do?
You can develop an approach to managing your time, energy, search criteria and interviewing style. Here are a few tips:

-Limit and structure your time: take 20 minutes a few times a week to search or respond to emails from online dates. This way you are taking consistent action but it won’t overwhelm the rest of your life.
-Use moderation: Have enough but not too many dates. Try to actively date no more than 3 dates at a time. It can be good to designate one weekend date night and two nights a week. You still need time for yourself, friends and family.
-Weed out dates by sticking to your deal breakers. These are those things that you would NOT be happy with in a relationship. Examples could include: a date who smokes, a date who doesn’t want children, a religious date of a different religion etc. To figure out your own deal breakers read my book.
-Have a method of screening dates so you do not just go on chemistry or feelings alone. In my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out,’ (part 3: Conscious Dating) I help you be clear about the essential qualities you need in a mate. I also provide a series of dating checklists so that you can observe who your date is in the world (in a number of categories) instead of just basing your judgments on how he is when he’s romancing you. Also, my book helps you make sure that you have reasonable expectations. It will help you be clear about what you do need in a mate while helping you to make sure your list is not over the top.
-Give things time to unfold before you choose a boyfriend: I often suggest that you date someone for a few months before coming exclusive. Keep things in ‘courtship mode’ and become friends first. Get to know who that person is over time and do not just jump in and close down other options out of comfort or because you really want a relationship. It needs to be worth it to close down your other options, so you need to base that choice on whether this date is a good fit for you. I think one of the reasons that people choose badly in online dating is they are just so tired of dating that they choose a boyfriend too quickly and then try to make it work. Pace yourself and remember that things take time and you do need to know someone in ‘real time’ not just online.
My opinion is that online dating is a resource that gives you more options. It is up to you to use it to your advantage so it does not overwhelm your life and so you can still make well thought through choices.
Let me know what you think. Thanks.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.

Related Links:
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2009/07/17/2009-07-17_too_much_of_a_good_thing_study_finds_online_daters_choose_wrong_people_due_to_co.html
http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233428205&sr=8-1