Unconscious Mating

I was able to catch the premiere of the show ‘Dating in the Dark’ on Monday night. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s a new television show on ABC on Monday night at 10PM (EST). The premise is that 3 single men and 3 single women looking for love spend time getting to know each other in a pitch black room. After they share time together, they are revealed in the light (one by one without seeing the other person’s reaction) and then they can choose whether or not to continue dating in the real world.

Although it is challenging to be soulful on popular television, I felt that at least this show aimed to have something to say about our limiting beliefs in dating, our prejudgments, our tendency to judge a book by its’ cover and even the supposed science of pheromones (being attracted to someone due to their smell).

It was interesting to see moments of intimacy, sharing and romance and to notice how that shifted when a light was put on the situation. In a way, everyone’s fears came to light when a choice had to be made about taking things into our surface world. Common fears about this transition were, ‘Is the physical mismatch so great that I can’t even give this person one date out there?’ One woman (Lani) thought that her potential match was good looking but she was temporarily disappointed because he looked like ‘the kind of guy you could take home to mom’ instead of the ‘bad boys’ she liked to date. To her credit, she gave him at least one date in the light and continued to get to know him ‘from the inside out.’ It seemed as though her preconceived notions relaxed a bit and they continued their attraction.

Conversely, another couple had a terrific connection in the dark but when the woman (Christina) saw her man in the light, she decided not to meet him. Let me say that (in my opinion) no one featured on this episode was really bad looking. Some might have been perceived as more attractive than others and people were often characterized by each other as ‘certain types’ like, ‘hippie,’ ‘nice guy’ ‘dashing’ etc. In fact, even the really good looks of one guy (Allister) were a deterrent to his potential match (Melanie). She said that normally she would not feel comfortable dating someone who was so good looking. So it wasn’t as simple as needing to be physically attracted to someone (because there was chemistry in the dark). It wasn’t as simple as thinking the other person needed to be physically attractive (because many of them thought their potential match was attractive). Some of it was about our tendency to persist with dating ‘the same type’ of mate that we always have and our attachment to what that dynamic means. It almost harkens back to the days of ‘the Breakfast Club!’

A good example of this dating tendency can be illustrated using the character Charlotte from the ‘Sex in the City’ television series. First Charlotte finally meets Tray, who fit her ‘ideal type’ to a tee. He was gorgeous, had great breeding, was from a well known family, was a doctor etc. They married and she found that although the outside package matched her ideal, inside the relationship her needs went unmet and he was emotionally unavailable and empty. Later Charlotte meets Harry, her divorce lawyer, who is opposite her imagined type. Despite her preconceived notions she is attracted to him and tries hard to fight it because she can’t admit her attraction in the light of day. Harry is overweight, hairy, a different religion, short, uncouth etc. and he is worried about what people might think. But as she learns to trust herself and let the relationship unfold, time reveals that there is a golden emotional fit there and that she is genuinely attracted to Harry, inside and out. Once she trusts what she needs from the inside out, everything falls into place and they are very happy life partners. Just to clarify: Charlotte did not settle nor did she shelve ‘being attracted’ to her mate. She just put aside her limited beliefs long enough to test drive a new model and found out that he really worked for and with her. Are you willing to do the same? ‘Dating in the Dark’ begs the question that my book ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ explores in greater depth.

The premise of my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ is that we date the same type of person again and again because it is familiar and this is how our unconscious works. We have an automatic type we make a bee line for and it is not always healthy for us, nor is it based upon the true characteristics of the date before us. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. My book explains ‘unconscious dating’ and it guides you to acknowledge your own dating psychology, your limiting beliefs about the opposite sex and love and it helps you to pinpoint your ‘type’ so that you are free to move beyond it and to be conscious about your emotional needs from the inside out going forward. This way you are aware of the person’s true gifts and you aren’t overly attached to the package.

In its own way, ‘Dating in the Dark’ gives us a taste of combating our types and limiting beliefs. I wish there would be some debriefing time after the experiment on each episode where I could interview the daters about their preconceived notions and limiting beliefs and see what they learned from shifting them (or what they missed out on by remaining entrenched in their past and refusing to date that person). This would add a new learning dimension to the show and would enable the audience to begin to practice this for themselves. My goal is for dating to become a spiritual, transformative journey and I see a bit of potential in the show, if the producers continue as they are going. Although I am offering my services to co-host with them, in the event that this does not happen (heh:), take the opportunity to purchase my book to get my two cents and begin to start ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ with new consciousness, clarity and depth going forward.

Oh, and as an aside, there have been actual ‘Dating in the Dark’ events in restaurants, even before this show aired. I’ve posted some links. Could this be a new dating trend?

So, if you watch the show, write and let me know what you think.

My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

          Related Links:
http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233428205&sr=8-1
http://abc.go.com/primetime/datinginthedark/index?pn=index
http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/dating-in-the-dark-443572.html (dating idea)
http://www.urbansocial.com/0010_dinner_in_the_dark.asp (dating idea)
http://www.seacoastonline.com/articles/20090721-ENTERTAIN-90721013
http://realitytvmagazine.sheknows.com/blog/2009/07/21/dating-in-the-dark-series-premiere/
http://key-jed.com/dating-in-the-dark-series-premiere-on-abc-review/