Money Can’t Buy You Love but Will It Buy You Lasting Security?
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009This morning I was emailed a link to a Tango article about a new book called, ‘Smart Girl’s Marry Money’ by Elizabeth Ford and Daniella Drake. Of course the title itself is provocative. I have not read the book but I did read the interview by the authors and it made me consider some of the issues and the premise discussed, particularly in light of the recent recession. Here are my thoughts about the following issues:
1. IS FINANCIAL SECURITY MORE LASTING THAN LOVE?
One thing that was brought up was that in the past, women married for money, status and security (not love) and there was less divorce. A change in zeitgeist occurred and now we believe that marriage is a promise that we will make each other happy and we will remain in love for a lifetime. The authors’ argument might be that money is more stable than feelings. There is usually some truth in everything, so I can understand the wish to commit your life to something stable and lasting, like a dollar bill. The idea that money will be there for you long after your husband would (emotionally) is a sad notion. A slightly more melancholy thought is that nothing in life is completely stable and lasts forever (I think Tolstoy said it first!) So we can only commit to do our part with things and then let the chips fall as they may (with finances, the universe, our partner etc). No book can reliably promise you a happy ending. Your spouse could become a gambler or lose his money in many ways and then what would you have? The idea of love is that it forebears all situations, ideally and is therefore stronger then outside forces.
2. THERE ARE ALWAYS HARD THINGS TO DEAL WITH IN MARRIAGE: IT’S WHICH ONES YOU CHOOSE:
Sure, it’s hard to have financial difficulties in marriage when you have children and responsibilities. This can cause arguments and stress and may require you to make sacrifices and grow stronger in areas of budgeting, saving and producing income. It is work. However, isn’t there also a price or cost for living in a loveless marriage? I have heard reports of loneliness, emptiness and wives feeling that they sold themselves out. This is a hard way to live. If you start out your marriage not loving the other person (and make a deal with yourself that is okay) then you need to be at peace with the lack of love down the road. Whereas money is something that can ostensibly shift through education and life experience, it may be harder to create love in a marriage 10 years later (when that was not the original expectation).
3. THE REAL SECURITY IS ALWAYS IN US:
Part of the reason that marriages fail is that we do not trust our own choice of mate and we break the commitment that we made. The usual vows include loving our mate, being loyal to them, caring for them while sick etc. When we feel less in love, when they hurt us or we feel neglected, we want out. We imagine that we’ll be happier alone. We think we made the wrong choice of mate. We doubt ourselves and them and just want to escape. At those times, both people can remember their vows and try to redouble their efforts. Similarly, if you marry for money instead and the family fortune suddenly becomes lost, wouldn’t that provoke a divorce? Just look at all those relationships with ibankers that suddenly went bust when there was a round of recession layoffs. In the end we can’t control what our partners’ do we can only do our best to honor the commitment we made and to trust the values that led us to do it.
4. WHATS GOOD FOR THE GANDER ALSO WORKS FOR THE GOOSE:
One of the author’s Elizabeth Ford, said in her interview, ‘…but the fact is in our culture women as they age are devalued, and that’s a crying shame.’ While this is true, isn’t it equally a shame to devalue men just because they are not rich? I can see how knowingly marrying a man who is a gambler or is very irresponsible with money might not be a great move, but does marrying a man who makes a basic living and is a wonderful person stupid? I’d probably have to read the book to see how these authors would answer this question but so far, I don’t agree.
I think ideally every person would be able to care for themselves and would come together in love, to share a life, for richer or poorer and all that. There will be obstacles-whether it be financial, health, emotional, sexual etc and hopefully both partners will work together to form lasting stability and security over time.
5. BEING REALISTIC AND CONSCIOUS IS IMPORTANT:
One thing I do agree with is that ‘falling in love’ is not always a lasting feeling so it is hard to start a marriage based upon the notion that you will always feel that happy. You may at times hate your partner or want to take a break. You may doubt your choice and feel lonely and sad for periods of time. This may even be more ‘the norm’ in a life time marriage then you’d think (based upon television etc). I once heard that an analyst and marital therapist was asked if she ever thought about divorce in her own marriage and she said, ‘Divorce no, but murder, many times, yes.’ So maybe in the olden days arranged marriages worked because they were more like a job and transient things like passion and feelings were not factored in. Expectations were kept low and so was intimacy. This does not mean that love is not important in marriage. Love actually includes things like anger, disappointment, exploring your mutual shadow parts, arguing, struggling etc. This premise probably would not make for a bestselling book but I think it’s true.
My dating book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ is based upon the notion of marrying for real love but it also helps the reader to date consciously. This means that instead of marrying just based upon passion and chemistry, it helps the reader define her true essentials for a mate, search out and consider possible red flags and points of conflict and to discern with both heart and head if that partnership would work before committing to it.
For some, a lot of money is an essential and to acknowledge this would guide them to choose a rich mate. For others attention, love and mutual mission and ideals are more important than their bank roll. The important point is to know yourself well so that you can define your own vision of security and intelligent mate selection.
The aforementioned dating book appears to be selling very well, so I would invite those of you who agree with their premise to add your comments as well. Given the recession, money in relationships is more on the radar than before so singles are evaluating how important it is for them in mate selection and why.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
Bio:
Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.
ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net. I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN. THANKS!
Related Links:
http://www.yourtango.com/200921645/why-its-better-marry-money
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